If Your Father Broke Your Heart…
My father was the first man to ever break my heart. I remember the day so vividly, I had disappointed him again. I couldn’t live up to his standards of perfection, and I couldn’t abide by the strict ways of our religious doctrine. He looked at me with disgust and said, “ You have shamed the whole family, and now it makes me look bad in the eyes of others.” Instead of doing what I had always done, stay small and quiet, I fought back and stood up for myself. No one had ever cared about my feelings, and I was tired of it.
That was my first mistake, my father didn’t like to listen to my side of the story nor did he care about my feelings. It was always his way or the highway. Speaking up angered him, and he began to lose control of his temper. Yelling in my face he said, “ Leave and don’t come back, get out of this house, you are a disgrace!”
I left that day and didn’t come home for 2 weeks. He broke my heart that day, and he was my first experience of utter rejection and abandonment. I felt broken, and this belief that there must be something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be what he wanted? Why couldn’t I just have his unconditional love?
If you have experienced heartbreak and it came from your father, this will be a wound that requires healing. I chased my father’s approval and validation since I was a young girl and well into my late 30’s.
This was a pattern that I didn’t recognize, but it trickled into every relationship that I had with a man. I chased my dad, I chased my husband’s love, I chased every man’s love and validation until I was able to see the pattern and break free.
If we suffer from a father wound, a wounded heart and soul will stop at nothing to find a way to heal it. The term "father wound" refers to the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical impact that arises from a perceived or actual absence, neglect, abuse, or betrayal by one's father or father figure. It encompasses the deep emotional pain, insecurity, and unresolved issues that can result from a troubled or strained relationship with one's father.
Now how does the “Father Wound” show up as a young girl?
You become the “Chaser,” as in:
If I get good grades, he will love me
I will do anything for his attention and love
I worship dad ( idealizing) and I wish he would notice me
I care what he thinks, and I want to please him ( be the good girl)
As an adult the “Father Wound” shows up as:
belief that we have to DO things to be loved
need to perform for attention
become the “good girl” around men
people pleasing behaviors
become a chameleon of what we imagine others want us to be
chasing men at all costs to feel loved and validated
For myself it took many more heartbreaks before I finally gave up on chasing my fathers love. I was so determined to have him see me and finally give me what I had been needing from him that I thought that I needed to keep trying. I did the same behavior in my own marriage, no matter how many times I was hurt or broken I would keep trying. I thought that it was my strength, but instead it was my biggest point of suffering because I wouldn’t let go. I thought if I could just try one more time, or another way that it would finally happen for me. Sometimes, we have to see people for who they really are, not for who we want them to be. When people show you time and time again who they really are, believe them.
If you suffer from the “Father Wound,” I invite you to find out how this is showing up in your own life because it will play out in patterns. This is an unconscious pattern, and it can be difficult to spot but I assure you that if you are here reading this article to listen to your intuition that is telling you to be curious. If you want to learn more, check out “Goddess Rising Podcast” or stay tuned for my upcoming journal on the Father Wound, and how to heal.
As always, thank you for being here with me,
