Are You a Fawner?
Fawners’ are typically individuals who were raised in a dysfunctional or abusive family system and were ‘trained’ by their primary caregivers to repress and deny their feelings, thoughts, and needs. "The 'fawn' response is an innate reaction linked to the instinctive need to evade conflict and trauma through appeasing behaviors. In the context of children, fawning behaviors can develop as a maladaptive survival or coping mechanism, arising as a means to navigate a non-nurturing or abusive parental environment.
Psychotherapist and expert in complex trauma (C-PTSD), Pete Walker, coined the term 'fawn' response to characterize a specific type of instinctual reaction stemming from childhood abuse and complex trauma. In his exploration of 'fawning,' Walker asserts that trauma-based codependency is acquired at a very early stage of life. It occurs when a child, in an attempt to avoid parental retaliation, relinquishes their ability to protest against abuse and assertively say 'no.' This coping mechanism also leads to the suppression of the trauma-associated 'fight' response.
Someone with the 'fawner' label (also sometimes referred to as a 'people-pleaser' or 'codependent'), it's likely that you seek external validation to affirm your acceptability and worthiness of being liked or loved. Your focus on others can be so intense and interconnected that you may struggle to discern your genuine feelings, thoughts, desires, or needs.
If you recognize yourself as a 'fawner,' you might engage in people-pleasing behaviors as a way to minimize conflict in your interactions with others. You may suppress your authentic self to ensure the comfort and contentment of those you feel dependent on, fearful of, or deeply care about.
Your relentless focus on catering to the wants and needs of others may have led you to lose touch with your core identity. Consequently, you might find yourself feeling drained, resentful, and perpetually fatigued, often without realizing that these emotions stem from your habitual people-pleasing tendencies. Because you didn't experience a sense of being loved and valued by your primary caregivers during your formative years, you may be driven to care for and assist others as a way of proving your own worthiness.
I was a chronic people pleaser, and I still call myself the recovering people pleaser because I can still fall back into old habits. By surrendering to the will of others and abandoning yourself, you are allowing yourself to live a lie – and lies serve no one in the end. This will also make you highly vulnerable to attracting narcissistic, abusive people who will exploit your willingness to deny your own needs in deference to their own.
It is therefore crucial that you explore the roots of your appeasing, over-accommodating behaviors to determine if they might actually be a manifestation of unresolved complex trauma (C-PTSD). The deeper I went into my own healing journey I recognized that my fawning behavior began as coping mechanism and was linked to my own diagnosis of complex trauma and PTSD.
Healing from the 'fawn' trauma response is an essential journey toward self-discovery and recovery. To begin, it's crucial to become aware of your fawning behavior, recognizing how you often prioritize others at your own expense. Let go of any shame associated with this response; remember that it developed as a survival mechanism. Seeking the guidance of a therapist or trauma recovery coach can provide invaluable support on your healing path. Start by noticing and honoring your basic needs; self-care is a foundational step. Understand that anger has a purpose and allow yourself to acknowledge it as a valid emotion. Importantly, accept that abuse is never deserved, shifting blame away from yourself. Lastly, permit complex reactions to the abuser, as healing is a multifaceted process. These seven steps can pave the way to a healthier, more authentic you.
All begins with awareness, and we can’t see what we don’t know. Be curious, and explore your inner world.
“ When a woman finally realizes that pleasing the world impossible, she becomes free to please herself”
~ Glennon Doyle
As always, thanks for being here,
