Short answer: Yes. But the truth is, it's not your fault.

If you’ve found yourself stuck, backtracking, or feeling like you’re the one standing in the way of your own healing—you’re not alone. And you’re not crazy. Self-sabotage after narcissistic abuse is incredibly common, and more importantly, it’s understandable.

What looks like sabotage on the outside is often a protective strategy on the inside.

Your brain was trained for survival , not safety.

When you’ve endured narcissistic abuse, especially over long periods of time or from childhood, your nervous system adapts to stay alive. It learns to scan for threat, to anticipate chaos, to walk on eggshells. You might have developed fawning behaviors, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or chronic self-doubt—not because you’re weak, but because it worked. At the time, it kept you connected and (relatively) safe.

But once you’re out of the toxic environment, these patterns don’t just turn off. Your brain is still running the old programming—searching for danger, avoiding vulnerability, sabotaging joy—because safety feels unfamiliar. Healing, ironically, can feel unsafe. Seems unfair, right?

Here’s how self-sabotage shows up through a trauma-informed lens:

1. Trauma Bonds

You might reach out to your abuser or obsess over their validation. This is intermittent reinforcement—a powerful psychological hook that kept you tethered to crumbs of love. Your brain became addicted to the cycle of hope and hurt.

2. Cognitive Dissonance

You logically know it wasn’t love. But emotionally? Your attachment system is still craving connection. That push-pull creates confusion, shame, and can lead to behaviors that contradict your conscious desires.

3. Low Self-Worth Conditioning

After being constantly devalued, you may have internalized beliefs like “I don’t matter,” “I’m not lovable,” or “This is the best I’ll ever get.” These core wounds often drive self-sabotage. Why bother healing if you don’t believe you’re worthy of wholeness?

4. Nervous System Dysregulation

Let’s talk window of tolerance. If your body is used to chronic stress or emotional neglect, calm and connection might actually feel boring or even threatening. You might unconsciously stir drama, overthink, isolate, or numb with food or social media—not because you’re “failing,” but because your body is dysregulated and doesn’t yet trust peace.

5. Emotional Numbing or Avoidance

Sometimes, trauma survivors struggle to feel. You might find it hard to cry, to visualize a safe space, or to connect with joy. This isn’t sabotage—it’s dissociation. Your system has protected you by numbing out sensations that once overwhelmed you. You are disconnected from the body, and most often living inside the head lost in rumination and overthinking.

Next step is to stop the sabotage. This is about taking small steps in the right direction, and don’t expect overnight results. It requires time, patience, and consistency.

The first step is awareness without judgment.
Self-sabotage isn’t you failing—it’s you surviving. It’s a younger version of you, a dysregulated nervous system, or a deeply ingrained belief trying to protect you the only way it knows how. Let’s meet that part with compassion—not criticism.

When you catch yourself spiraling, numbing, procrastinating, or disconnecting, pause and ask:
👉 “What part of me is still trying to protect me right now?”
👉 “What emotion am I avoiding by doing this?”
👉 “What do I need that feels hard to give myself?”

This is the beginning of rewiring.

Next, interrupt the self sabotage by using these tool and techniques:

1. Name the Pattern Without Shame

Begin noticing when self-sabotage is happening. Is it skipping meals? Avoiding hard conversations? Shutting down when things feel good?
Journal Prompt: “When things start to feel good or peaceful, I tend to…”
Name it. Own it. Witness it.

2. Regulate First, Then Respond

Self-sabotage often comes from a dysregulated nervous system. When you're triggered or overwhelmed, logic goes offline.
Try a 3-minute nervous system reset:

Hand on heart, deep belly breathing
Cold water on your wrists or face
Butterfly hug (cross arms over chest, gentle taps)
This tells your body: We’re safe now.

3. Reparent the Wound

That sabotaging part of you? It’s usually your inner child still operating from pain, fear, or abandonment.
Close your eyes. Imagine holding her. Tell her what she needed to hear back then: “You are not invisible. You matter. I see you. I’m here now.”

4. Cognitive Reframing

Old beliefs like “I don’t matter” or “I’m always forgotten” don’t just vanish—they need to be replaced.
Catch the thought → challenge it → reframe it.
Original Thought: “I always ruin everything.”
New Truth: “I’m learning how to show up for myself in new ways. That’s not ruining—that’s growing.”

5. Visualize What Safe Success Feels Like

Sometimes we sabotage because we don’t feel safe having what we say we want. The body resists success, love, rest—because it’s unfamiliar. Spend time visualizing what safety in love, success, health actually feels like in your body. Let it become familiar.

6. Use the Right Healing Tools

This is where powerful trauma-healing modalities come in:

RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) rewires subconscious beliefs at the root
Somatic healing reconnects you to your body and releases stored trauma
Nervous system regulation teaches your body what calm actually feels like

These tools go far deeper than talk therapy—they meet your trauma where it actually lives: in the body and subconscious.

7. Create a “Safety Plan” for Good Things

This is your nervous system safety net. When things feel too good, your brain might panic. So plan for it:

Set reminders to ground (walk, stretch, breathe)
Create affirmations like “It’s safe to feel good” or “I don’t have to earn rest”
Celebrate small wins—even if they feel uncomfortable at first

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to get it right every time. What matters is your willingness to notice the old patterns and choose something new. That’s sovereignty, which means reclaiming full authority over your life, choices, emotions, and truth — without outsourcing your worth, your voice, or your power to anyone else. That’s healing.

As always, thank you for being here with me,

Can You Self-Sabotage Your Own Healing After Narcissistic Abuse?